San Francisco Trip Diary (1st trip in the black book, 10 days, bookended by neil young show & one of the final, though we didn't know it then, INXS shows with Sloan/Red Kross in the middle, summer '97) : July 10th, 1997: 4:15pm Taqueria on Valencia and 18th (right across from Juvenile Division of Police St)- sitting with *huge* soft-shelled taco & Fanta orange in a glass bottle! It's heavenly. This is deep in the mission district (I think deep, deep as I'm going to go today anyway)...I have a knack for finding myself in seedier neighbourhoods! Taco's getting cold. ... (entry of horde festival schedule & autograph from guy from ben folds five who I met at the festival).... July 14/97: 7:20pm: 20 gallon brewery across the st from Slim's: waiting for doors to open, tickets to go on sale at Slim's. Bad part of town? Large bitter draft in front of me. Couldn't get a table, sitting at the bar. Returned the rental car today.Hiked through Muir woods, steep "really really tall trees", lots of goofy poses in hollowed out , womb-like (seriously, it is *so* quiet inside) redwoods. Bathed in sweat, descended into valley.... glad I didn't turn back, though I was a little late getting the car back. This pm, SFMOMA icons exhibit (kind of relates to "what is art" Berkeley bookstore acquisition....if you frame a pair of jeans, is it art... david byrne's big suit was cool)... street kid exhibit..exploitative...beautifully printed photos...at the end, the girl goes back to her mom's house with her kids & spends days in front of the tv. Right now, these 2 guys at the bar are discussing a porn operation in their neighbourhood...1 of them just put down the women in hustler as being plastic & ugly.. but now he's talking about photo studio models. Drove down the coast to 1/2 moon bay last night. Challenging hills. Foggy descent into town, road hugs the coast on the way out of town (venice beach?), not quite as scary in the dark as you can't see the water. Stopped at a restaurant on hwy #1 , looked well-lighted & full of people so stopped & ran along the sand. 2nd time in the pacific! (1st at cliff house, man from sacramento brought kids to the ocean for the 1st time, met boy from morocco there too)... inside Slim's ...at the bar... just having been kicked out of my upstairs seat by security (the $15 dinner deal has it reserved). so now I'm sitting in a really obvious spot. So much for being unobtrusive. Slim's looks like the old Misty Moon. Most of these kids are here for red kross I know! someone just walked backstage wearing a parka!...
- posted by kat @ 1:18 PM

 
I was thinking about this today while feeling a little unloved & alone, maybe I shouldn't be digging through archived mail from 7 years ago & maybe I shouldn't be keeping anything for that long but since I long since deleted the reply from the ex I no longer speak with here is the original "I've just been dumped, now *explain* it to me" letter (which I haven't read in so long, it's a little funny to unearth it now as it's difficult to remember why I cared at all) :


Fri, 5 Apr 1996 05:03:16 -0400 (AST)
From: me
To: evil boy who's email address I won't publish
Subject: Re: your mail
in the "who's hurting more contest" i win, hands down:) but anyway couple of questions (the masochist in me wants to know:):1. how long before the breakup did you realize that you had these feelings for ***? (you indicated the other night that this had been building up for a while so be careful how you answer this 1) 2. how did you think i'd react? it was kind of a "ok so what *else* has he lied to me about" situation. i don't care if this new thing is difficult for you, if i am to understand you correctly YOU DUMPED ME FOR HER (while denying that there was anyone else involved...thats the part that really hurts b/c i thought we were being honest *then*). if you lied to me for as long as i now think you did i have every right to hate you & would be a fool to let myself continue to be hurt by you. it was cowardly not to talk these things over with me...these were *important* things...but instead you took the easy way...i only talked to j---- b/c it seemed that you wouldn't listen & tried to explain things away...remember "well we've been together for this long so something must be right". all
i ever asked for was honesty & respect & i got neither:( and i'll never believe that telling j*** how you felt could be a big weight on yr shoulder if things happened so naturally, the way you said it, b/c it was the obvious step, you would have to move fr 1 relationship to the next or be suffering the way that i am. do you want to restate what you said so that i can understand why you feel so much pain unless its guilt yr feeling... And I did not say anything right away b/c I really thought I could deal with it...being told you'd fallen out of love with me but really i was being ditched for someone you'd never met & yet you were still trying to make the same demands on me as you did when we were together... I guess what I was trying to say is that i need a little distance. And its difficult for me right now to trust yr intentions.So we can talk. But my trust & friendship is something that will have to be earned & I know you more than anyone should understand this.




- posted by kat @ 9:22 PM